When we first moved here, we both worked 50/50. Paxton was just 2 years old and I had a burning passion to be out and about in ministry. I took on tons of responsibility right off the bat and stayed with it all until I reached the breaking point.
After that point of revaluation in August 2007, we decided as a couple, which ministry roles I would keep and which would go. It seemed clear to both Frank and I that I continue to lead Prayer Pals (along with Trish), lead Reading Rocks for the month of July, and lead God's Girls during the first week of August-and then teach the Sunday School class for the girls. It doesn't sound like much, especially since the 2 main programs are only in the summer. BUT, it feels like TOO much when we are in the heat of it all.
That brings me to now. My wonderful husband is now leading a ministry that is extremely hands on, very unpredictable, and somewhat un-scheduled at times. When working with people struggling with addictions, you never know when someone is going to have a bad day and need Frank. You never know when someone is going to slip and use again. You never know when someone who has slipped away is going to suddenly return. We feel very strongly that this is Frank's calling and that him being available for those types of moments is extremely important.
That's where the trouble lies. Sure, Reading Rocks may only be for one month, but it requires many hours from me and it people still need Frank during those hours. God's Girls only takes him out of regular work time for 2 days and one night, but what if someone is in crisis during that time? Frank is a "doctor" of sorts, on call all of the time-ready to literally save some one's life, if need be. His phone rings constantly, he is always available to those who need him.
He does a great job of balancing family into this and we spend a lot of time together when there isn't any sort of crisis going on. I never feel resentful of his time away-even if unplanned, as I feel this is exactly what he is supposed to be doing. I LOVE that he is being used by the Lord in this way.
So, I wonder where God wants me in all of this. I absolutely LOVE leading Reading Rocks, and honestly wish it was a 4-5 day a week program for even longer in the summertime. I love leading God's Girls and letting certain girls deeper into my heart. I love teaching their SS class and seeing them struggle and grow each week. I love all of the ministry roles I continue to work in, and even continue to have ideas for new ones! But they all take me away from my family, shift my attention away from my family, and also take many hours from my husband and his ministry.
That brings me to prayer. I don't know what the answer is. I don't want to quit anything, yet I don't want to burden Frank (which he is 100% supportive of me and my work, and doesn't make me feel like a burden at all). I don't want to stop, but I know that it is not what I want, but what God wants for our family as a whole. I am thankful that no decisions need to be made anytime soon, and I am thankful that I have a husband who supports my ministry work, and loves me so much. We both just want what is best for our family.
We are praying together, praying separately, and seeking your prayers as we make this tough decision. When it was time for me to step down from leadership last time, it was different, as I had hit the burnout point. I am SO not in that place right now. I am truly in LOVE with the ministries I am leading. So it is a bit of a battle between me and God. I will let God win, of course, I am praying for wisdom to figure out exactly what HE wants for me. If it is for me to step down once again, to be more supportive to my husband, I pray that I will be able to let go of my pride and serve Frank and our family with my whole, joyful heart.
edited to add: I wrote this post originally the night before the Reading Rocks party, but didn't publish it. I mainly wrote it just for myself, to think out loud. I think I secretly hoped the RR party would stress me out, but it didn't, which actually brings me to an even harder place. I loved every minute of it and the thought of possibly not being involved or as greatly involved, just saddens me deeply. Frank and I held each other and prayed and are very united in our prayers to find the best path for me and our family as a whole. We both wish we could be everything for each other but know that God has called us to very clear roles and we cannot possibly do everything.
I decided to take the day off from outside ministry today and just get my focus back on my in-home ministry and it feels wonderful. I have truly enjoyed my kiddos, and it just seems right. Doesn't mean I have made any decisions (and probably won't for awhile), I just rejoice in the feeling of joy I am having today just being mom!
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